I love newborns! I love the excited calls, texts, photos, and facetime calls from new parents who are just so excited and full of happiness when their baby arrives. That first golden hour of a sleeping quiet swaddled baby that is all yours.
I was speaking with a new father over the weekend. He said in response to his 38 hour old newborn who is being breastfed: “I don’t know…I just feel like he will need to learn limits. He has been feeding for a long time”. This same father the next afternoon at 2PM said: “I guess I shouldn’t have known we wouldn’t actually leave the hospital at 10:30AM like they said…”. He was TIRED, and hungry, and wanted to go home. Was he being rational or thinking critically? No, of course not. But was he prepared for these feelings and thoughts as a result of being awake for the better part of two days? Also no. He was burned out!
The non birthing partner here needs his own support and grace in the face of his new role. This is where a postpartum doula can thrive. In the hospital setting the focus is on the birthing parent, and the newborn. The hospital is acting in the medical interests of this new dyad and this man was left mostly to his own devices as an observer. He needed someone to call, text, and commiserate with without judgment and learn when the time is right…about the 4th trimester.
Managing expectations for postpartum is often left out of the prenatal period. All the focus is on the pregnancy and the baby. Really rationalizing that this newborn is their own person, and needs must be met on their time can throw off parents who had visions of feeding schedules and departure timelines. The parent burn out can come on quickly and be overwelming.
In 2018 Belgian researcher psychologist Isabelle Roskam, PhD and her colleagues developed a measurement called the Parental Burnout Assessment after surveying more than 900 parents. According to Roskam, the research was clear. The primary component that was consistent between all parents reporting burnout shows that,
“Burnout is the result of too much stress and the absence of resources to cope with it,”
Isabelle Roskam, PhD.
This time is super stressful for so many people. If we were any other species this baby wouldn’t even be born yet!
Education on realistic expectations for your newborn is a resource and incredibly important tool that your postpartum doula can offer you. Support and information in the comfort of your home that teaches you and guides you can limit and lower stress.
Mingo's Nest Doula 